The Duality of the Holidays: Magic and Hidden Struggles

Dearest Reader,

Let’s take a moment to acknowledge the joys of the holiday season, especially here in NYC.

Winter in the city is a stark departure from the warmer months. As the days grow shorter, shadows from towering skyscrapers stretch even further, casting much of the city into perpetual dusk. The wind bites sharply, and the already grey, concrete landscape takes on an even gloomier tone.

Enter the holidays, with their bright decor, dazzling lights, sparkling displays, and festive windows. These seasonal touches offer a much-needed reprieve from the otherwise drab and oppressive atmosphere of winter. For a moment, even the busiest, most stressed New Yorkers might pause to savor a warm cup of coffee—or at least the idea of it.

But beyond the captivating visuals and sensory delights lies something deeper and less cheerful. The holidays bring with them unspoken messages that can amplify unhealthy pressures, spark comparisons, and foster internalized feelings of inadequacy and even depression. The holiday season comes with a relentless wave of expectations—what your home should look like, how time with family and loved ones is supposed to unfold, how much money you should have, and the perfect holiday experience we’re all meant to strive for. We’re bombarded with images of lavishly decorated Christmas trees surrounded by an abundance of perfectly wrapped gifts, smiling families sharing magical moments, and friends enjoying luxury ski trips. And then, there’s the onslaught of advertisements: limited-time sales for “the perfect gift” that you don’t actually need—but somehow feel compelled to buy. These ads tug at your conscience, spark a sense of urgency, test your impulse control, and, of course, drain your wallet. —-

As a therapist, I’ve worked with countless individuals who feel disconnected from these holiday ideals, internalizing blame and grappling with anxiety or sadness.

I’ve felt this myself. Growing up in a working-class, immigrant family in Northern New Jersey, our holidays didn’t mirror the ones portrayed in movies or at school. My parents, focused on survival in a new country, worked tirelessly, leaving my siblings and me under the care of our strict, resourceful grandmother. Money was tight, and though my parents tried their best, we often felt the weight of what we lacked. I remember learning about Santa Claus in elementary school, hearing classmates gush about Christmas morning presents, and realizing I couldn’t relate.

My parents did their best to put up a Christmas tree in our cramped home, but decorations were sparse, and there were never any presents underneath. One particular night when I was about seven, I stayed awake, staring out the window and wondering why Santa never came to our house. I wondered if it was because I was too naughty or maybe it was because I wasn’t American-looking, or Santa must’ve skipped over houses without chimneys or a fireplace. As you may imagine, it was a heartbreaking moment for my young self—one of many small moments that planted seeds of doubt that would grow into later struggles with adequacy and belonging. A story for another time, perhaps.

The magic of Christmas shattered for me in that moment, leaving behind a deep sense of sadness and isolation that lingered. Determined to change this, I took on a tutoring job at just 13 or 14, hoping to create the holiday experience I had always imagined. With my earnings, I eagerly participated in holiday sales, wrapped gifts, and tried to capture the joy I thought "normal" families had. But I soon learned a hard truth: no matter how much I worked, my efforts often fell short. The money I saved was rarely enough for the perfect gift or to attend winter festivities that I dreamed of. Instead of finding joy, I found myself juggling stress and unmet expectations. I also faced the sobering truth that no matter how spectacular the holidays were, they couldn’t change the dysfunction in my family. This would quickly lead to feelings of guilt for complaining about them, because at least I had a family, right?

According to the American Psychological Association (2023), nearly 9 in 10 U.S. adults report stress during the holidays due to concerns like money, missing loved ones, and anticipating family conflict. These pressures can lead to mixed feelings at this time of year.

So, what can you do about it?

1. Don’t Force It:
You don’t have to be cheerful or live up to the holidays’ expectations. It’s okay if you're not feeling the "holiday spirit." Recognize your limits and be patient with yourself—and others.

2. Find Joy in the Season, Not the Hype:
Look for small joys that are within your means and separate from the commercialized holiday rush. A walk in Central Park, a hot beverage at your favorite café, or staying in to watch your favorite movie—these simple pleasures can offer a sense of calm.

3. Give Without Spending:
Giving doesn’t have to involve spending money. Consider handmade gifts, writing a heartfelt letter, cooking a warm meal, volunteering, or simply spending quality time with someone important to you.

4. Choose Not to Celebrate:
If the holiday season feels inauthentic to you, it’s okay not to celebrate. You don’t have to force yourself into festive activities. Spend time on your own—read a book, take a long bath, or simply rest. Remember to make healthy choices and avoid heavy drinking.

5. Party it Up, Realistically:

If you’d rather not spend the holidays alone and have plenty of party invitations, go ahead and enjoy yourself. But remember, you don’t need to attend every event. Overcommitting can lead to burnout and resentment. Instead, focus on the people who truly matter to you. Politely decline the less meaningful events by RSVPing "Not attending." Saying no can be one of the healthiest choices for your well-being.

The holidays are a time filled with complex emotions, and it's essential to give yourself permission to navigate them in a way that feels right for you. Whether you engage with the season or not, remember that you don’t have to conform to anyone else's idea of how the holidays should be. You deserve peace and compassion, especially during a time that often brings so much pressure.

*If the above resonates with you, however the tips don’t help much— you may be in need of more support through therapy or community resources.